Gaia Community: maxie's Blog

FEAR, THE TROLL BENEATH THE BRIDGE

http://mqs.gaia.com — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 01:25:12 GMT

(To Enlightenment, That Is)

Are there really a thousand separate fears, or just a thousand faces to the same old thing?

What might the hairy one look like deep inside its bowels? Annihilation? Non-existence?

What is primal fear and just how bad can it get?

Wouldn't it be awful to be eaten alive by wolves or whales, tigers, bears, snakes, or paralyzed by flesh-dissolving spiders, having your blood sucked by bats or vampires, bitten by the rabid fox, swarmed by rats, crushed in the avalanche, buried in mud by the slide, burned alive in the forest or roasted to ashes by hot lava? Starving slowly, dying of thirst, freezing, drowning, bleeding your last from a wound?

What is it really that we are afraid of? Don't most fears, if not all of them, revolve around death or dying?

"Yes," is the customary answer to these questions - very few of us would disagree with that.

What a paradox it is then, that enlightenment, which seems to require a death of the "self," may be unobtainable because of fear. I mean, after we give up the "self" what is left? If the "self" is all we have ever known, then it is everything, and to lose it is to be annihilated, to not exist. This is anathema to the self-adorned ego voice and any attempt to coax or coerce this voice from the pulpit of the mind will be met by cunning, baffling, and powerful resistance.

So, how do we vanquish this fear? Is it something that we can actually fight? Is it vulnerable to the sword, to poison, to coercion, to bribery, or subterfuge? Methinks not or someone, who would have made a lot of money with such a shortcut, would have developed a technique and gotten rich selling the tools or the secret. No, it has to be something more powerful than fear. Maybe love will do the trick.

How then, to love the fear? Really, how do we summon enough love to overwhelm the fear, especially when most of us, if we really admit it, are far more fearful than loving. Funny thing is, we talk all the time about love and how important it is and how much we are doing to encourage it into our lives, and we rarely talk about fear, even though fear holds far more sway over us than we are willing to admit. OK?

So, being honest, many of us will have to admit that we do not have enough love available to go into the heart and do battle with our fear(s.) Now, that kind of sucks, and leaves us without much of an option except to go out on another path and try to acquire the love or its substitutes to throw at the demons of fear. Damn, if we haven't already tried that time and again to no avail. Now what?

What if we allowed ourselves to experience the worst our fears had to offer, take the full brunt of it, drown in the shit, breath it in and let it pump through our veins until beads of blood popped out on our foreheads and our eyeballs bulged from the sheer awfulness of it? What if we did that? Yeah, that might do it, kind of get used to the real deal, and stop all this pussyfooting around with the fear-of-fear thing.

Ok, How? How do we actually do such a thing? Will we have to get strapped down and have friggin' attendants nearby with ventilators and epinephrine if the going gets too rough? Is this something that might kill us? Can our poor hearts take such a blast? Can we do this one step at a time? Is it necessary? Really?

Those are all questions that must be addressed in one form or another by each one of us, but it is my experience that it can be done, even alone, if you have properly prepared yourself and are willing to do one thing in particular without which the whole practice will be either fruitless or dangerous and probably both. That is: one must utterly, totally and completely come to accept this trollish fear in all its hirsute glory as yours and yours alone. Beyond even acceptance, one must come to actually embrace the fear, to welcome it, to take it in, and, in the end, even cherish it exactly where it is, congested like a ball of kryptonite all around the heart center.

Ball of Kryptonite doesn't work for you? Then, let's say fear was like the swimming pool in the back yard. We know its there, we see it out the window. We even go out there and rake the leaves out of it, and scrub the deck around it, and twiddle our toes in it and lounge on the diving board and even, when we are brave, we walk into the shallow end and splash around a bit swooshing closer and closer towards "over our head" and then, like real sailors, we push off with our brave little toes until we are floating out in the deep end. Now we are really doing it, eh? Wrong, we are no where near it, not even when we gulp a big gulp of air and swim to the bottom and hold out until our lungs near burst. Still we are not truly "down" with the fear until we open our mouths and breath in that fear, allowing it to fill our lungs and absolutely drown in the stuff . . . then our acceptance has grown to embrasure, then and only then will we know fear.

Still not literal enough for you? Let's towel off and head to another experience in the House of Fear, one that will really get your motor running. Take crucifixion, for instance. Imagine yourself on the cross. That has to be tough. I mean you're hungry, tired, sore, pinned down, there is no escape, and somebody is liable to come along and poke you every now and then just to see if you are still awake. Yeah, crucifixion, we are all terrified of that. It makes the dangers of drowning seem like a lullaby. Yet, there is something about crucifixion as a metaphor, that is perfect for a full blast confrontation with fear.

Think about it: danger surrounds us really. To the right of us, to the left, behind us and ahead of us, up above and from below, all sorts of malign events can come to pass. Behind us lies our past with its secrets and sins, ahead of us the future with its doubts, impending doom and other terrors. To our right are the "righteous" who seek to control, tax, or enslave us while to our left are the "sinister" forces of corruption and decadence. Beneath us are the trolls of disease, snakes, boiling pits and darkness, while above fly the valkyries of deluge, dust, pestilence, lightning, and an Abrahamic God who will smite us as he sees fit.

Danger surrounds us, all the time, like it or not, no matter how many pills we take. It converges on the heart center and the adrenal cortex right behind it. We are pinned by it as to a cross, only not a four-armed cross, but one with six arms: four for the cardinal directions of front, back, left and right, and then two more for the up and down of life. Get it? See why fear can come to live in the heart?

This, it seems to me, is why the image of crucifixion is so deeply powerful and, I dare say, useful.

For many of us, the only relief we get (itself an illusion) is when we attempt to control the circumstances of our lives so that these vectors of danger, and the fear which arises when we risk exposure to such dangers, are kept to a minimum through isolation, ignorance, substance-abuse, and co-dependent behaviors.

This, is not freedom, heart-centered peace, or (duh) enlightenment.

It is however, my experience, that just on the other side of this baleful coin, lies the bliss of reunion with the Source.

Here's how I get there:

CAVEAT: do not practice this alone unless you are already familiar with the actual emotion of fear and not just the trigger stuff we call fear but is really the fear-of-fear fake stuff that we contend with in our heads. Real fear, which is rarely experienced for long before we are either fighting or fleeing, is felt most exquisitely in the heart. Fighting and fleeing are both heavily adrenalized states that may be accompanied by "sick-to-the-stomach" visceral terror which is also not pure fear, ok? Pure fear is not terror, does not shriek, and has no claws. It is a feeling alright, a cold one, dense, dark, strong, ancient, and deeply tired.

The goal in this work is to experience this feeling without going into the adrenalized states which are more indicative of the fear-of-fear reaction zone with which we are far more familiar.

Depending upon your level of familiarity with this kind of work, you will prepare a single incident of "fear" or danger in your field that you would like to work with. A good example for the moment might be the fear of financial insecurity that accompanies us most of the time but is particularly acute and irksome now in this time.

Prior to starting the encounter session, you will write down your fear (eg. Financial insecurity) and imagine how that fear might appear in the form of "danger" from each of the 6 directions described above. This is the work that is involved with this exercise. Do not take it lightly as it is the key to the alchemy that will result. It is vital that you actually consider what financial insecurity truly looks like to looks like to YOU from each one of these directions. It is not hard, using financial insecurity as a particular "face of fear" to see how it could manifest from each one of the six directions:

One) Beneath us, the Despicable: money stolen or lost via negligence

Two) Before us, the Portentous: stock market uncertainties, job loss, homelessness

Three) To our right, the Righteous: taxes, outside control (fascism), war,

Four) To our left, the Sinister: gambling, cheating, pornography, addictions

Five) Behind us, the Shadow: debt and other liabilities, things stolen and not returned,

Six) Above us, the Mighty: Abrahamic God-smite, pestilence, tornadoes, lightning.

Whatever you choose to work on, start modestly. Do not try to work with your deepest "fears" first. Work with someone around whom you trust yourself implicitly - a someone who will dedicate themselves to simply being with you, for you, beside you, holding space for you - "watching your back," as it were, while you practice the following method of relaxing, or surrendering to your fear. Your support person is not there to advise or counsel you, only support you.

One more thing: remember always that there is a point to this exercise, in more ways than one. In fact, the "point" is the point, as will be made clear momentarily.

Sit comfortably in a straight-backed chair, hands folded in your lap, eyes closed as if for meditation.
Your support person will sit directly in front of you, as close as possible - close enough so that they can easily reach out to hold your hands or your knees if you should need such reinforcement.
Sit quietly for a few moments, centering awareness at first into your brain, and then asking aloud for your support person's help, wait until they say "yes," and then, on an out breath, let your awareness move slowly down from your brain, acknowledging your ears and nose, your mouth, chin, throat, shoulders, and lungs before coming to rest in your heart.
Sit easily with your awareness lightly held in the heart. Do not strain. Breath easily. Imagine the heart expanding on the in-breath, and relaxing on the out breath.
Gently call to mind that you are now present to choose to experience something right there in your heart which you have long-denied yourself.
Ask your support person to remind you to continue to relax and stay present in your heart if for any reason your breathing should become labored or unsteady.
Now, in whatever sequence suits you, imagine each set of fear/dangers as they arise from each one of the 6 directions.
One by one, bring them to their separate stages around you. This is an entirely sensory process, eg. "What does homelessness look like?" "If my debts were a concrete block on top of me, what would that weight feel like? Preparation is key. You do not want to invent things here but work from a prepared script. This is why the support person should be there for you - to hold the list and prompt you if your memory or focus should waver.
Once you have set the stage with details of the dangers in each of the 6 directions, you are ready for the real first step in this process, and that is ACCEPTANCE. Here we get for the first time perhaps, to CHOOSE to accept something about ourselves that we have denied for most of our lives. Ie: "I choose to accept, utterly, that I am surrounded by danger, and the best that I have been able to do so far is to pretend that it isn't there."
At this point, our awareness is still external to ourselves - "out there" away from us in each of the directions. It is as though we were on a stage, in the center, while all around us, above and below, were these visualizations (with teeth) that have until now seemed so real.
Feeling into them from our central location, visualize the 6 directions as they extend outward from the heart center and sense the energy that you are using to hold the dangers at a distance. This, it seems to me, is the one and true Cross.
As you sense this energy, accept it, allow it to be what it is, and without judgment, welcome its presence in your life.
Once this charged field has been acknowledged, breath into this energy field and consciously relax and visualize the energy direction which has been outward towards the dangers to reverse itself slowly and begin to point inwards towards the heart.
Take it easy, breathe, reach out to your support person if that will help and remind yourself that the very energy that you are relaxing is inexhaustible and is available at a moment's notice; that you are just choosing to relax and allow the outward defensive energy vectors to reverse themselves and flow towards perfect connection in the center of your heart.
Relax and breathe, relax and breathe. If you have prepared well and put your best energy into this process, you will begin to feel what you may have been running from all your life - that is the actual fear which surrounds the heart.
Approach this slowly and steadily if possible but keep in mind the goal is to allow yourself to relax, to surrender, to ALLOW yourself the full experience of what you have been avoiding - that is how much of our lives are spent pretending to not carry this fear in our hearts.
When all attention has been condensed into the heart, and the feeling of the fear becomes acute, continue to breathe and let yourself sink into it further, further, and choose again to breathe it in acceptance and compassion. (things will go quickly now, so if you start to feel any sudden shift underway, do not try to stop it but just let it happen.)
When acceptance of fear comes to include compassion, allow your awareness to shift location to the point where all six arms of the cross come together in your heart center.
What may have begun as a certain warmth that arose with the compassion will build around the heart center.
Imagine, then, the six vectors again reversing direction and turning into "v-shaped" rays of brilliant white light emanating from the heart center.

After your experience, whatever that might be, commit to continuing to practice this technique until you can run through the entire sequence in a few minutes or less.

Say this prayer after each practice:

"What is it that I love when I love my God? It is a certain light that I love and melody, fragrance, food, embrace of the God within, where, for my soul, that shines which space does not contain; that sounds which time does not sweep away; that is fragrant which the breeze does not dispel; and that tastes sweet, which, fed upon, is not diminished; and that clings close which no satiety disparts - this is what I love when I love my God." - St. Augustine.

Tags: fear, acceptance, choice, allowance, enlightenment, heart center, non-existence

MILLENIAL FEVERS

http://mqs.gaia.com — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 20:42:54 GMT

Or,

"How I Learned Surrenderance(sic) and Began To Enjoy This Durned Apocalypse"

(wherein, during the days to come, shall be discussed the following:)

Physical Location (mine)

Medical Condition (mine)

Kosmic Address (mine, ours)

Electoral Politics (ours, theirs)

Global Concerns (everybody's)

Economy (nobody's)

Woo (His n' Hers)

Disclaimer: Its been a while since I posted to this blog, for which absence I've no excuse, except to say that by the time I left on my, er, "sabbatical" several months ago, the once rampant fun-factor around here (for me, Dear Ones, for me,) had been near totally sucked down a myriad of black holes that festered into being like vortex zombies wraithing through a Long Night of the Living Dead - said up-writhing more or less coinciding with the semi-tortured surprise Hoovering of dear wee Zaadz into the behemoth embrace of Good Fathership Gaiam. (GFG, heh heh . . . and, with all due credit and apologies ((seriously now)) to the wondrous and nurturing Gaia crew who mediated this apparently non-elective surgical identity heist.)

As is my wont when so vexed, I first take everybody else's inventory and, when finally bored with that, turned to look within for my own part(s) in such tumultuous proceedings. Much was discovered (no surprise there) and it is my intention during the weeks to come to share some of those findings with you. For instance, one thing I learned was that (horrors) most of what I got so worked up over had absolutely nothing to do with me - yet I took it personally! Imagine that!! Well, I'm over it now, see . . . and as long as everybody friggin' be-hav-es themselves and treats me with kid friggin' gloves, there won't be any more trouble. OK? (heh heh . . .)

Those who already know me (or are at least familiar with my literary excesses) can expect more of the same. For those of you to whom I am fresh, new, and still mysterious, please be aware that the word "florid" has been used in reference to my style of correspondence. One need only visit a few of my earlier postings to this blog for an approximation of the affect. Sadly however, some of my more noteworthy (read juicy and irresponsible) disclamations are buried deep in old cyberhallic threads where long-passed political, ideological, scientific, and spiritual fisticuffs were once the order of the day.

A bygone era perhaps, especially now that we are all supposed to be rowing in the same direction; which point brings me to a summation of my thoughts about the recent US election. "Obamanointment" (heh heh) was, for me, like FDA-approved group sex after which I didn't want anybody to get out of bed in the morning and break the spell. I am pleased to report the persistence of this feeling with elaborations to follow in time.

And who cares about more fractiousness anyway? For surely, as we sweep like ants on a sodden leaf into the maw of the widening gyre, nothing really matters afterall, but rest assured of this, oh ye fresh and unsuspecting: strong language will be used, pontifications are inevitable, "facts" will be distorted as well as outright in-ven-ted, accountability will be in short supply, and ass-talking will abound.

So, "Ahem," "Oh Yeah," . . . and, might I say, its good to be back. Oh, one more thing: may divine grace forever besot all those who kept a candle burning fer yrs. trly.

Tags: love, politics, woo, surrender, apocalypse, 2012, palinesque, ormus, geometry, spirituality

Reflections on Gratitude and Evolution

http://mqs.gaia.com — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 16:44:14 GMT

LoA Redux

Dear Ones,

The law of attraction, remember that? Yep, the good ol' LoA. Excoriated by many as a magical device for wishful thinking puposes, it was also ponderized more tenderly by a few the likes of me. I have been thinking about it again lately as I slowly work LoA-oriented prayer more deeply into my daily practice.

One of my basic operating conclusions is that "things" are far simpler than they appear. I mean, when you think about it, the fact that anything appears at all is quite mystifying. Avoiding that, we just take it for granted that we are alive and witnessing "things." Still, just below our preoccupations, there is this incredible mystery of just what in the hell is really going on here. Right?

I like to look for the tissue between things that are not typically seen as connected. I have written before of my sense that the word "Om" (pronounced Ah - Oh - Ooo - Mmmm. . . ) is the evolutionary fractal itself, perpetually resonating across the quantum boundary to bloom the rose, the raven, and the deep blue sea.

Here, I propose that the LoA, at its simplest, is also this fractal Om.

Here's how the law is supposed to work: You want something? Visualize it while emotionalizing and more or less it will manifest in your life. It is claimed that clear vision, and applied emotion are the sole determiners of outcome.

It seems to work both ways. That is, if you gripe, you get more to gripe about, and if you put the good stuff into it, you get more good stuff.

LoA folklore holds that, properly, gratitude is what drives the practice. If so, how does gratitude become so active, so powerful as to incline the Kosmos to providence?

For years, I had no clue what gratitude meant. None. I was happy to just be relieved on occasion from the fringes of imminent doom. For years I mistook this pale substitute of vindication for the real thing - gratitude - the driving force of evolution, or so it seems to me.

What?? Gratitude the driving force of evolution!!?? Oh, that's a good one. Impossible. It can't be that simple.

Oh? Why not? Perhaps it only seems soooo complicated, this evolution thing I mean, because of all the "thinking" that we "do" about it. If the process, the root equation of it, was complicated and difficult, it would likely break down and fail. It has to be simple, infallible perhaps, or it would never have lasted this long.

I see a connection between the LoA and the sound of Om.

Again, let us look at the sound and emotion of Om. Really, try these sounds on and see what arises with each of them.

Ahhhh . . . beautiful! Really, if we just can be present for it. Even blood in the streets when seen as evidence of pure human passion however conflicted, is beautiful.

Oh . . . I realize this beauty resonates within me as me.

Oooo . . . That feels gooooo. . . d!!

Mmmmmmm . . . I am sooooo GRATEFUL!!!!!

The more gratitude assumes a full-on ecstatic state, the more vision manifests, or so it seems according to the law. So what is gratitude anyway, this giving thanks, this acknowledgement of deep affection? It must come from a thorough sense of self as utterly acceptable, as free of secret suffering vexations as can be.

Now this, will take some work. But ah, the beauty of it is that it is only work. It can be done and the beauty of it is that first steps produce tangible results. The first result being that the fear we have of "going-in" is swiftly dispelled upon entering.

Going in, we do the work, and faith arises. Gratitude is faith in action, pure and simple. Gratitude returns energy to the Source to sustain the loop of intention/evolution. For it to work though, we must work it, the inward look and all. And we must contemplate the word and practice it at every opportunity and the time will come when we can play in prayer our visions to unfold.

Om Namah Shivaya,

Michael

Tags: LoA, Gratitude, Practice, Manifestation, Emotion, Self-inquiry

EGO, A DRAMATURGICAL PERSPECTIVE, PART ONE

http://mqs.gaia.com — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 00:27:16 GMT

Ego: Conception, Gestation and Birth

"A Dramaturgical Perspective of the Role Played by Ego in the Process of Evolution"

Part One: In the Beginning

At Play in the Field of Consciousness, where Source is all abstraction, where perfect dreaming bliss awakens to confront its Self-awareness; there finding beauty and relationship from which all love arises.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

What means these words: "Ego, Conception, Gestation, Birth, Dramaturgical, Perspective, Role, Process, and Evolution?" Well, the dictionaries and encyclopedias are full of attempts to render these primary abstracts into contexts large and small. What is important to realize is that they are abstracts and as such require context into which they might be drawn, reduced, and partially explained. For the purposes of Part One of this discursion on the dramaturgical perspective of the ego, let's start with Dramaturgy, a word most likely unfamiliar to many.

Dramaturgy: "Dramaturgy can also be defined, more broadly, as shaping a story or like elements into a form that can be acted. Dramaturgy gives the work or the performance a structure. More than actual writing, a dramaturg's work can often be defined as designing." (from Wikipedia)

Dramaturgical: " relating to the technical aspects of drama." (from WordNet)

When I say "dramaturgical perspective" I am speaking from the experience of a lifetime of fascination with drama, performance, and play righting (as in getting it "right", not just "writing" it)

Why discuss Ego from the dramaturgical perspective? Well, one of my most resilient and persistent operating conclusions is that life is drama. We are its performers and script consultants being guided by a dramaturgical will emanating across the quantum boundary from the Source where all abstraction lives in categorical harmony. Even when we sleep and the outside world drops away, still the dream center of our psyche spins pure drama into the playhouse of our beings. Every single action we take, even choosing "non-action" is a performance of our selves in response to the "acting" going on around us. This "acting" includes the weather, the economy, our sex lives, fashion, job selection, choice of home, political affiliation, hobbies and secrets - all is performance. From the stories of our lives, where most of us spend most of our private time in rumination, we draw both the material and incentive for our self-portrayals.

As the ego plays such a powerful role in the concoction of our performance, it seems fitting to discuss it from a dramaturgical perspective.

Ego: "The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves. In psychoanalysis, the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality. An exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit. Appropriate pride in oneself; self-esteem." (from Wiki)

Now here is a word the definitions for which make those of dramaturgy seem non-existent by comparison. Library rooms may be filled with treatises on the ego whereas dramaturgy might occupy but a shelf. As to the definition for ego above, I respectfully disagree and will proceed below to show exactly why I believe the above definition(s) to be woefully misrepresentative. Essentially, I believe that the ego is not the self, or some territorial aspect of the psyche, so much as a tool for contemplation. As a tool, it has certain properties. These attributes are, I believe, highly specific, limited, and designed by Source as a boundary phenomenon. What the ego does at its most pure is set the stage for contemplation and performance. I believe that the ego has two physical, or "geometric," to be more specific, attributes: circularity and sphericity with the latter obviously the full rendition of the former.

Role: another word with compound meanings. In the context of this Part One, the Kosmic view of ego, I propose to use the word "role" as that part "played" by the ego in the unfoldment of reality as we perceive it outside of ourselves - as distinct from the psyche while knowing somehow that the entire Universe, including this vexacious big "God" notion is somehow contained within the broad "confines" of the psyche.

Process: that endeavor by which consciousness expands and awareness unfolds to include the sense of full participation in the mysteries of life.

Evolution: hmmm . . . the play of consciousness as it unfolds reality moment-to-moment both within and without throughout the Universe. Pinpointing this, I can only say that the evolutionary moment is expressed on the quantum boundary where that which is implied in the field of all possibilities (the implicate) becomes manifests into "fact," (the explicate)

CONCEPTION

What is an abstraction anyway? Is it just a nebulous potential that exists only as a bit of knowledge? Or is it more, perhaps even more than we might imagine?

We do know that the infinitude of all possibilities includes certain autonomous realms such as "temperature," "amplitude," "frequency," and "distance." Taken separately, these regions show common properties like length, altitude, and intensity for instance. In fact, it seems that abstracts are defined by other abstracts in a multi-dimensional weaving of sorts. In this sense an abstraction has some of the same properties as a continuum. An abstraction introduces the notion of a field, or container where increments of measure and orientation provide a grid for locating relative values. A continuum can be easily imagined to have a shape, like a squash or a cucumber for instance. Only by such imagining will the abstraction take form out of the dispersion of all possibilities. Thus the abstraction does not coalesce as a discrete realm of possibility until it is contemplated.

As an abstract is contemplated, its shape emerges as influenced by the preconceptions of the imagineer. Often, in abstract contemplation, key relative values like extremes of hot and cold can suggest a strong, linear image, when, if all of the subtleties of "temperature" are taken into consideration, the real shape might not appear linear at all, but more three-dimensional, even faceted perhaps.

Considering the Source as the field of all possibilities, then it must be that all abstractions are included in the Source. From the abstract perspective, their shaped continuums are self-distinguishing and, though not "things" in the strict sense, they do seem to enjoy a primordial "existence" as pure potential, but with an interesting feature - shape, a geometry which arises when the abstract's field is contemplated. Some of these abstract shapes are strongly linear while others are more voluminous. It is possible to imagine that the fully contemplated and differentiated field of all abstractions could look like fat shapes or bubbles interspersed with filaments of the more linear abstractions. It may be assumed that a perfectly realized Source could "arrange" these fully contemplated abstracts in an organic and potentially functional array.

BIRTH

Conventional wisdom supposes that, from a jot of near perfectly dense no-thingness, the Kosmos exploded into being, continuing yet to explode within itself these past 13.7 billion years, thus causing the accelerated expansion of both consciousness and the universe. The following will include conjecture regarding conditions that preceded initial expansion as well as conditions which ensued thereafter. In particular, a direct correlation between conditions present in the primordial state (Primordial) which went "first," and the emanations which came "second," (Manifestation, or Kosmos) will be drawn to show the fundamental role that "ego," in both the Kosmic and psychic senses of the word, plays in the unfoldment of reality. Part One, will concern itself with the Kosmic origins and manifestations of ego, while Part Two to come will address the Psychic field of play.

GESTATION

It is proposed that Primordial consciousness came to realize that, within its infinite potential, certain discrete abstractions were held. It is proposed that pure consciousness evolved from an at-rest state of utter bliss to a Tantrically differentiated state through a sequence of unfolding abstractions including awareness, curiosity, beauty, attention, and cause which appeared in turn before the awareness of the Primordial. It is proposed that pure consciousness evolved as it contemplated this sequence of arising abstractions. With the exception of some reference, this continuum of abstractions, is not the subject of the following. Rather, what will be discussed are conditions that occurred with cause, as that realization state of Primordial evolution reached maximum density just prior to the birth moment of the Kosmos.

For purposes of illustration, the following image is offered: Imagine "space" as the lungs filling with air to the point where expansion is complete. Imagine both the Primordial and Manifestation states as two aspects of this same breath - as an inspiration and an expiration. Imagine that the Source is breathing the Kosmos in and out with particular attention to holding two counts at peak and another two at breath's end. Oddly enough, this pranic breathing method is highly recommended by many meditation and yoga masters.

Imagine pure consciousness awakening from the dream of utter bliss during its two count pause at the peak of inspiration. Self-awareness dawns upon this awakening and with it awe, realization, affection, gratitude and curiosity. Attention, or the particular ability to focus awareness, would then follow as a means to explore, refine, synthesize and incorporate the field of abstractions - the limit of Source's capability to experience itself "at that time." Is it possible, at this point, that Source began to yearn for more than just the experience of itself as pure potential? That Source may have realized the profound, inherent, structural beauty of all abstractions as thoroughly contemplated and structurally organized into a self-sustaining and inter-dependent wholeness? Might Source have realized that this perfect abstract concoction could be manifest into such as a material realm, where the same process of rising awareness that Source had undergone, might be fractalized again and again and again? Could Source, transfixed by the beauty of this potential evolve intention and cause sufficient to change state and birth the Kosmos? Hmmmm . . .

May structural principles be found within this field of consciousness, awareness and all other abstractions? Integral theory seems to think so posing spirals, quadrants, and lattices as a framework of "maps" to the territory of being. But beyond that, beyond the map, is there a design principal underlying all?

The most dominant theme in the universe seems to be the energetic relationship between the circle and the spiral. Nothing can exist or be perceived without these two factors interacting. In fact, this inter-relationship may be the essential structural principle of the universe. The circle and spiral are governed by the irrational numbers known as Pi = 3.1416 and Phi = 1.618 respectively. It has long been considered that both Pi and Phi may be phenomenally complex codes that somehow hold the secrets of the universe and indeed they might. But all efforts to discover any patterns in these numbers have failed despite the sequences being carried out to billions of decimal places.

Spirals in the form of radiation pervade the universe. Indeed, radiation (vibration) is what makes up all "things" when "things" are summarily reduced. So how does the circle come into it? Imagine the rifling, or curved grooves cut on the inside of a gun's barrel. The barrel's operation and affect on the flight path of the bullet are governed by the nature of the rifling which causes the bullet to spin and stabilize in flight and the fact that the barrel, micrometer by micrometer, is characterized by circular cross-section. Tornados, whirlpools, and galaxies like our own are other examples of spiral energy being contained with in the circular cross section of either collapsing or opening cones. Acceleration in flight occurs when transition from open to narrow to open again occurs in the throat of a carburetor for instance. Within this narrowing space, both frequency and amplitude of passing gas, fluid, or radiation can increase as the energy level of the flow increases. How can this possibly happen? What would offset the slowing down of the flow of radiation passing through a narrowing gap? It is supposed that the inherent, organizing, stage-setting power of the abstract principal of the circle is brought to bear on the spiral causing the spiral to be "informed" by the organizing principal of the circle thereby becoming capable of "packing" itself more efficiently without losing energy to frictional attenuation.

Countless experiments with wind tunnels have demonstrated this effect but no theory exists to explain the how of its workings.

Below, we will attempt to describe how these irrational numbers became evident in the primordial and hence available to Source intention when Source evolved cause to birth the Kosmos.

To me, pure consciousness, the Witness state, God, Tantric Stasis, The Primordial, Source, Turiya State are all more or less synonymous, all versions or state locations for God. At once unbound by any restriction of location or occupation by any "thing" yet "containing" the potential for everything.

In pure Awareness the Witness state is charged with the potential for words but not the presence of them. Thoughts, composed of words and in some case images or sequences that can be described with words, manifest at the interface between pure awareness and the field of perception. Thus there is a continuum between the Witness state and Perception. Where attention focuses between these two poles is a function of attitude, intention, motivation, choice, and necessity. In the awakening mind, perception routinely causes the arousal of curiosity. The questioning mind will oscillate between the perceived, carrying curiosity through the inventory of our experience (story) as remembered in words and images, back to the boundary of pure awareness and there it waits in patience for intuition.

Somehow, this supposed cyclical and evolutionary process of Source-mind, expresses from the primordial "location" across the quantum boundary between the implicate state of all possibilities and the explicate state of unfolding "reality." When curiosity evolved to intention and cause arose, the abstracts and their continuums achieved realization at perhaps a center point of Self-awarness. Picture this Self-consciousness aware, at the center of the fully differentiate and inter-dependent field of abstractions. Contact has been established between Source-as-aware and the entire field of inter-related abstractions. At center, source extended this perfect awareness out into the field, and, seeking to experience the beauty inherent in the abstract, realized its wish to experience itself through the manifested evolution of these abstractions and the frequency technology contained in Pi (perhaps the angel Lucifer) and Phi, the beauty principle of the Shakti.

Thus this "wish" or desire for experience of Self mirrored in the manifest would require sacrifice of Source's independence but perpetuation of the One's autonymy in the fragmentation which resulted from the eruption of OM.

THE FUNCTION OF PI AND PHI (The irrational numbers 3.1416. . . and 1.6180. . . respectively)

Pi: Try this: close your eyes and "look" at the field which appears in the darkness of no "sight." At first it just appears as dark though some light will penetrate the lids unless you are in a very dark space. Even then, many of us see lights and other "things" playing themselves out on the screen of our closed lids. Slowly, while looking at this murky and mysterious play, move the head back and forth and watch what happens. Something seems to be moving with us, even if the room that we are in is pitch black. This something, I propose, is the "perceiver" in us, paying "attention" to whatever might arise when the "eyes" change their orientation.

Next, look deeply at the entire field of view available to this "perceiver." At first, nothing in particular will distinguish itself. Slowly, with focused attention, it has been my experience that a shape will emerge. At first, it will not appear as a "shape" per se, with inclusive boundaries, but more like a set of large parentheses - one on the right, and one on the left. If continued, these parentheses would conclude in a circle if we could "see" the missing part "above" and the missing part "below." As simply as possible, I propose that this "circle of our capacity for attention" is the inestimable gift of ego, or the pure potential for us to address a certain part of "reality" as distinct from another part. It is important, vitally, and beyond my powers of insistence, to see this power as not the stage or the players or the props, but merely, and precisely the stage boundary itself. Its circularity, which is really sphericity when you take the Kosmic view, is the most optimal geometry in that it includes the most potential with the least effort - the sphere being the most efficient surface-to-volume geometry yet discovered.

So, what's up with the missing top and bottom pieces? Well, I suppose they represent what is "hidden" from us "above" and what is hidden from us "below." Deeper into meditation, these missing pieces do appear as "mind" rests, the vision clears, and the pearl of Siddha Loca comes into view.

Basically, the play of Yin and Yang, the essential fractal of reality, is contained within the circle. It is as simple as that. Without the circle, the radiant, spinning forces of Yin and Yang would just fly immediately off into dissipation and oblivion.

Phi: Oh boy, does this one require some arm-waving (heh heh.) Let's go back to the moment just before the big bang, ok? On the in-breath, the One has drawn the entire apparent Kosmos back to its unimaginably dense and pluperfectly differentiated state. All abstractions both spacious and linear are coherently inter-related. The One, in Its infinite wisdom, knows that to sustain Its own evolution, It must breath again so as to expel the abstractions in such a way that they, evolved in the previous cycle, may yet again take the stage, so to speak, and perform the unfoldment of reality again in such a way as to befit what they have learned in their previous "incarnation."

Phi governs the geometry of the spiral (radiation) as well as the interactions of intersecting vectors of radiation (multi-dimensional reality.) Again, without the interaction of the confining circle Pi, these radiant vectors would have no focusing "containment" no boundary for their "stage" and would not sustain themselves long enough to manifest a gnat's patootie.

Phi maintains the One's realization that attention will be drawn to beauty, that reality, unfolding in magnificence will draw the attention of us sleepwalkers more and more back to the Source, more and more towards that realization point within where we are behaving exactly like God as we contemplate abstractions, practice the principles thereof, and learn to sacrifice our independence in favor of autonymy.

That's about all that I am capable of in the moment and I hope you find this entertaining. I promise to work on the other half of this as time permits. The other half being how ego plays its role in the individual psyche.

With great love and blessings,

Michael

Tags: ego, birth, gestation, nurture, source, primordial, allowance, god, manifestation, implicate, explicate

SUFFERING INTO GOLD

http://mqs.gaia.com — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 01:35:14 GMT

If Faith were gold
And found within
How deep would you dig
To win it?

DEAR ONES,

Remember the "Secret"- the movie that took the western world by storm about a year ago? Remember how much you loved or hated it? There was something about it that captured my attention, that's for sure. Frankly, I thought that the movie itself was a real stinker, that the grandiose and mercenary representation of people wishing for stuff, bordered on the neurotic, but deeper within, this notion of such a Law operating as an essential guiding principle, has sustained my attention.

Following that opening, my curiosity began to rise eventually focusing on what seems to me to be the critical piece of the puzzle - the "Point of Attraction" where the gratitude that drives prayer and the awareness to realize it, coincide. Following, is some of what has come forth while hanging in there with the contemplation.

Beginning, consider this: What follows is exhaustive, seeming at first glance to be a huge, pain-in-the-ass string of suggestions that are way too involved to practice every time you want to offer a prayer from your vision. My experience is that this sense of obstruction will slowly diminish as you work-the-program. Soon, you will find the knowledge, contained in the words that you read, incorporating into capability within. This growing capability will respond by condensing the prayer technique in time so that eventually, as a result of continued practice, the knowledge will be fully incorporated and the prayer time might be abbreviated into a single Aiiiiieeeeyyyyaaaaahhhh!!!!

THE PRAYER SEQUENCE

OR.

SHARPENING THE POINT OF ATTRACTION

Acknowledge Suffering: We consider that, somewhere just within, if not on our very surface, we are suffering to one degree or another. With little effort, and despite the fact that many of us "look quite good" to the world at large, we have to admit that many of our sufferings may arise from long-held desires that have gone unfulfilled. "Why won't this thing I want so much come into my life?" or, "Why won't this thing I hate so much leave my life?" Acknowledging this suffering, a question arises: "Why won't this suffering cease?"

Preliminary Acceptance of Powerlessness: Conditionally acknowledge apparent inability to change - "OK, I will try this on for the moment . . ."

Engage Curiosity: Realizing that curiosity is a powerful human instinct, we choose to employ it as we look towards the the conditions of our suffering.

Identify Dilemma: Realize that we "wish," "want," or "desire" a specific change in our lives - either by attracting something into our lives, (or the life of another) or becoming free from something that we seem unable to set aside by pure force of will.

Write Preliminary Gratitude List: Recognizing that part of our suffering comes from a sense of powerlessness about our situation and the negative self-image that accompanies it, we agree to seek a temporary change in this attitude "artificially" inducing a change by first identifying all things for which we are grateful. Grandiosity is permtted here.

Contemplate Gratitude List: Consider the impact in our lives from all things for which we are grateful.

Become Grateful as Best We Can in the Moment: Focus on accumulating a sense of gratitude by imagining what it would feel like to be relieved of the suffering associated with our inability to change or be changed.

With Gratitude, Pray for Willingness to Accept Dilemma: Recognizing that our will is weak or lacking in this area, we ask God for help to accept that this dilemma actually exists in our lives.

Accept Dilemma: Becoming willing, we accept the specific dilemma as "ours" and ours alone.

Acknowledge Desire for Specific Change: Admit that we truly desire a change in our "situation."

State Desire: Write down this preliminary wish.

Foster Allowance: Consciously permit ourselves to open to self-allowance. Here we recognize that we may be blocking our own desires by refusing to "permit" them to change because our current situation, though difficult to live with, is familiar and therefore perversely "safe."

Recognize Choice/Decision: Choose to proceed. This choice may be the first time in many of our lives that we have taken a deeply proactive step. The power of this moment is not to be taken lightly. If in doubt, review all the previous steps and again, pray for the willingness to proceed as fearlessly as possible.

Form Preliminary Intention: ie, I intend to be relieved of suffering from this dilemma.

Re-Engage Curiosity: Become curious as to our motivations for change and the imaginings of what our lives might be like if the change were to occur.

Examine Motivations to Change: Here, we look within inquiring of ourselves as to the reasons why we want to change while admitting and acknowledging that there will be both high-end and low-end motivations.

Accept Motivations to Change: Here, it is critical that we proceed with full acceptance of both high and low end motivations. This complete acceptance is fundamental to support the acknowledgment of our "suffering."

Contemplate Honesty: What does it mean to be rigorously honest? If I am in doubt, I will get help to make this determination. Such honesty is fundamental to the amount of benefit that will derive from this work.

Commit to Rigorous Honesty: Write down what it means to be rigorously honest and agree to cleave to it.

Inventory Storylines Associated with Desire: Engage in self-inquiry as to our history associated with the desire to change. Collect remembered evidence and subject it to fearless, honest appraisal. Write down discoveries.

Request Help to Review Discoveries: Discuss these discoveries with a trusted friend whom you are certain has your best interests in mind and will help you to consider the truth about what you have learned. It is essential that this person's orientation be centered on helping you uncover your strengths and weaknesses and NOT try to analyze or "fix" you.

Become Willing to Accept Consequences: Learning about the nature of our character defects and realizing that despite our strengths, we cannot change our character defects by force of will alone, we accept our powerlessness and unmanageability thereby taking full responsibility for the suffering in our lives as well as the consequences both positive and negative for our behaviors.

Become Willing to "Open" to Change: The action of "Opening" is difficult to describe but it involves a recognition that all previous "efforts" have not produced the desired results and, that by consciously relaxing the heart, mind and body by visiting each of these "places" with the most focused attention and awareness that we are capable of in the moment, that a sense of passive acceptance will arise. This is "Opening," where we agree to receive and consider as selflessly as possible any thought or suggestion that might broaden our understanding of self.

Allowance: Allowance is the step where we actively choose to invite whatever is on the "other side" of Openness to manifest within. This is a self-permission step that seems like Openness, but I believe that it is slightly, and significantly different than openness. Perhaps a way to look at it would be like Opening a window and standing there on guard vs opening a window and allowing whatever is out there to just come on in.

Open to Vulnerability: Recognizing that we have opened and come to allowance, we confront the possibility that what might come may "hurt" or otherwise wound us when it makes its appearance. As the window is opened, and we allow whatever is out there to come in, a wasp might appear and sting us. Are we ok with that? If we are, if we are willing to accept this consequence as a means to practice openness and allowance, we are accepting and practicing vulnerability - the capability of being vulnerable to wounding without reacting pre-emptively.

Examine Self-Doubt: Opening, Allowance, and Vulnerability will lead to an immediate rising of self-doubt. "Can I do this? What if this leads to de-stabilization of my personality? What if I get lost in here?" Fear rises with this self-doubt and the ego strains towards reaction and relief from fear in adrenalization.

Acknowledge and Accept Fear: Prepared for the rise of fear, we recognize it and choose to experience it without resorting to reaction. This will perhaps require revisiting the Gratitude list and a reminder that we have chosen to have this experience as well as a comparison between the pain of continued suffering against the fear of change. We may also need support during this phase to help us stay present with the experience of fear.

Refresh Curiosity: As we develop a sense of capability at staying present with fear, of maintaining an awareness that can see beyond the fear, including self-talk that "calms" our adrenals into reducing their activity, we remind ourselves of our inherent curiosity and agree to proceed with it.

Commit to Rigorous Honesty: Curious again and comfortable as can be in the presence of the rise and fall of fear and self-doubt, we commit to proceeding with all the honesty that we can muster.

Seek Truth in Story: Diving into the story line associated with the specific dilemma in our constellated sufferings, we look for the "what really happened" of it, for the actual drama that unfolded, not the way that we have chosen to remember it, but the way that it really was, warts and all - particularly the warts. What was my part of this? How have I sustained the resentments against the "other" for so long? What lies have I told or what information have I ignored to sustain my faulty recall?

Accept Truth in Story: Having identified the more truthful rendition of the story, we commit to its acceptance whatever the consequences and choose to "remember" the story in this new way. To secure this new remembrance, we right down the story "corrections."

Make Related Amends to Self and Others: Having examined our stories, and uncovered what might be some startling truths about our behaviors that we had conveniently forgotten, we look to see how we might have wronged another by lying about them or holding them responsible for our long-lasting disease. Having identified others as victims of our own lies and deferred responsibility, we seek guidance as to the nature of any amends we must make and make such amends except when to do so would injure them or others.

Rest in Self-Trust: During the process of making amends, we provide rest for ourselves during this procedure focusing only on making the amends.

Continue Study: Having made such amends, we contemplate our new state of being and begin to consider our new attitude as a foundation for articulating our desire for change.

Refresh Willingness: Aware now of peace within the heart, we again pray for the willingness to clearly form an intention to change. Recognizing the importance of acceptance of our powerlessness to change our situation with sheer force of will, we realize that the will to change must be reinforced by a power greater than ourselves.

Form Evolved Intention: We focus on the exact nature of the change that we wish to see manifest in our live. The development of intention, informed deeply by the process above is the heart of the prayer, is the actualization of our wish for change. The importance of intention is impossible to overstate. No single part of this process is more important than this step. "My intention is to attract "x" into my life and to be willing to do whatever it takes to manifest it."

Visualize Intention (Desire, Wish): Here, we call to mind the intention in visual form, creating a picture of what it would look like if the wish were to be fulfilled. Detail is important. For instance, if we wish to be free from the desire to smoke, what would that look like? Imagine a moment, when, in the past, you would smoke every time. Imagine such a moment, after dinner perhaps, when you would ordinarily go to the porch for a cigarette. Instead, you go to the porch and look off into the sunset, breathing deeply, grateful that you no longer have the desire to smoke, that your lungs feel healthy as you breathe deeply, that your mind is clear and free from the annoyance of wanting to smoke and that your hands are free to run through your hair, that your companion is talking to you softly, reminiscing about the day and the joy of the meal together. "It is my intention to attract this experience into my life and to do whatever it takes to sustain it."

Write It Down: Write down the wish and intention. "I wish to be free of my addiction to nicotine." "My intention is to pray for the willingness to quit and, becoming so willing, do whatever it takes to stop smoking."

Refresh Gratitude: Again, remind ourselves of how grateful we feel for all the blessings in our lives. Allow this gratitude to rise until we are filled with the joy of a life so blessed.

Pray: Offer Visualized Desire with Gratitude: In this state of gratitude, we offer this prayer for wish-fulfillment to God while reminding ourselves that we are really only praying for the knowledge of God's will for us around our desire - not specifically that the wish be granted.

Surrender Prayer/Vision/Desire to God's Will (Burn Prayer Sheet): Having so offered the prayer to God, we burn the sheet upon which we have written both the desire and the intention. In this way, the desire is released and we can proceed with the expectation that God, in His time, and in His fashion, will let us know what his will for us is about the desire. We may expect that such knowledge will come in a way that we know is directly from God. As we have many desires that relate to wishes to be free from the negative consequences of character defects, it is suggested that we first pray for these defects to be removed. So doing, we may gain a much better perspective on what is important regarding "things" that we may wish to be attracted into our lives.

Act in Faith and Agree to Share this Process with Anyone Open to It: Having released the prayer and burned the writing to signify our release of the desire, we proceed into action by resting in faith that our next step is to be characterized by patience, allowance, willingness, vigilance and discrimination.

_____________________________________________________________________

Tags: Faith, Love, trust, curiosity, prayer, self-lnquiry, allowance, surrender, Law of Attraction, desire, wish

KUNDALINI AND THE DRAGON RODEO

http://mqs.gaia.com — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 05:38:23 GMT

Dear Ones,

At once, my beingness is of two ways with Kundalini: one is experiential, ephemeral, hedonistic, terrifying and ecstatic; the other is informational, knowledge-based, arm's length, inexpert, and experimental. These two elements spiral about one another within me as yin and yang, as warm/moist and cool/dry air, as one elegant blob chasing the other elegant blob, as those blobs fractalized again and again about each other, releasing energy deeper into an accelerating infinitude of smallness; the yang - a mind-centric intellectual capacity and the will to use it in self-examination; the yin - a body-centric everything else of blood, vibration, bone, and emotions. The energy level of this tornadic state of being with Kundalini - the virtual power of this life vortex - is driven by the amount of attention I give to the play of consciousness, or the risk I am willing to take by ignoring it.

Though I have no tutorial expertise, I will provide a lightly fleshed outline of Kundalini from my own knowledge perspective, such as it is. Following that, I will share some of my personal experiences and reflections and then conclude with a case study of a particular, Kundalini-fueled, state-transformation experience.

Oh, before I begin, I would like to say a few words about my own kosmic address.

KOSMIC ADDRESS

Orientation

I was born into an extensive, Irish Catholic family in Portland, OR in 1945. My parents lived together amicably for 65 years before my mother died a couple of years ago. They were married in St. Patrick's, the church featured in the film, "What the Bleep. . ." I have one brother and two sisters. I am the #2 child. My father will be 95 this year and shows no signs of leaving either his senses or the planet behind.

There were a myriad of cousins and we all grew up in a pile in a city park that was more or less central to the various family houses. We Sheppard's were the lefties, the progressives, the better educated, lived higher on the "hill," and generally elicited an ill-disguised contempt from our markedly less-hip relatives. My mother (whose memory I cherish) made no secret of her top priority in life: to see me into the seminary, not the monastery mind you, where I would be cloistered away and unable to bring her glory except "through the walls," oh no, she wanted me out there in the parishes on the high trail to cardinalburg. Apparently, I looked the part as my mother's powerful and contriving sisters had secretly instructed my cousins to support this endeavor by reminding me that I was "destined," and had a "special" calling, a "vocation to the priesthood."

"Hmmmm . . ." I would say, and "Well, we'll see when the time comes." And, when the first time came near the end of the 7^th grade when I was supposed to declare for the seminary in another year at the end of grade school, and go off to high school by myself with nothing but other terrified little sissypants and men-in-black lurking around, well, I said, "er . . . hmmm . . . I think I will let the calling get a little stronger before I . . . hmmm. . . er . . ." and my mother and her sisters and the parish priests and nuns and my cousins and people off the street that my mother would chum in by putting my cardinal red hair up in egg-white bolstered curls would look at me, looming in with their heads tilted ever so slightly and say, "Ah wee Michael, what a grand priest ye'll make!"

Soon the "next time" was the next day, and the day after that, and week-in, week-out the pressure built and all the while I wondered what they knew that I didn't, for inside of me, a lying, cheating little would-be fornicator was straining at the bars. I'll tell you what was "special" about me back then, I was preoccupied with showing off how smart I was in such a way that I appeared modest, and I was preoccupied with sexual ambition, lust, and the mystery of the feminine. I could give a shit about guys except that I needed to fit into the "boy" thing and I learned that my smarts could get my ass beat, but my fastball ruled. Beyond that, it was babes, babes, babes - constant distraction at the hands of my stayed-under-the-sex-hose-way-too-long libido. Thank god I discovered masturbation or I would have probably ridden my bike off the nearest cliff out of sheer frustration.

Thus, no seminary for me, but the pressure was still unrelenting and, as much as I wanted a girlfriend with whom I could "experiment," it was not to happen primarily because I was too damned afraid of the consequences of my very un-priestly and erotic intentions ever coming under public scrutiny.

Absolutely nothing of spiritual significance ever occurred to me in those days unless you could call having radium-isotopes stuck up my nose to burn out my adenoids, "spiritual." Oh, and one other thing, I did think that I could start busses on fire if I just concentrated hard enough. I actually tried it once but quit before the bus got to my stop as I didn't relish the sight of passengers screaming at me as they rolled by in flames.

Not much room for spirituality in that little head.

That was then, and now, I am the result of lots of experimentation, study, contemplation, humiliation, triumph, addiction, generosity and discovery. I will not tell much of the story of how I came to be a neo-Hindu as it is long and irrelevant, but my spiritual orientation can be summed up by saying that, after 50+ years of mostly unsupervised but persistent study of spirituality, philosophy, and the history of religion, I have found that Kashmiri Saivism, (Shaivism) rings the most true for me. It is as fundamental-as-it-gets non-dualism.

My method, if you could call it that, is hopelessly non-academic. Functionally dyslexic, I must be strongly motivated to even begin to scan an essay. Several "scannings" are required if I am really going to get (and retain) the author's message and point of view. It is a blessing that I am benefited by a powerful intuitive faculty which has demonstrated itself faithfully most of my life. By experience I have learned that the essential concepts of any treatise are revealed in the first few pages - the rest is mostly rationalization and repetition. My practice is to read until I feel the transition to argument and repetition begin and then turn the ideas over to my intuitional faculty and it, (don't laugh now,) well, it feels for the feng shui of the proposal. You know what I'm talking about - a "bullshit detector." Some of us (me) can hear/entertain a novel concept and come to "grok" it so to speak, without wasting much time plowing through the "enlightened messenger's" rationales and repetitions. For example, though Hinduism in the broadest sense is a complexity beyond my expertise intellectually, historically, or categorically, it is not mysterious to me at all regarding its spiritual, philosophic, and scientific fundamentals. Buddhism is more illusive to me.

I do know, that when Siddhartha came along, Hinduism had long-since passed the "flourish" phase and was mired in confusion, decadence, and impossibly complex ritual. In a very real sense, Buddhism saved the great spiritual tradition that spawned Hinduism, as well as Hinduism itself, from totally going down the toilet.

Yet, I am drawn by the heart to Hinduism. It calls with a resonance that cannot be met, for me, by the more astringent, cooler, dryer "vibes" of Buddhism. I suppose my current and sustained attraction to the Saivite line of Tantric Shiva/Shakti Hinduism reflects that earlier trait in my youth to seek fulfillment through relationship with the feminine, the lush, the moist, the theatrically tantric, and not the ascetic, the cooler, dryer, the preferentially celibate masculine.

Thus, the orientation part of my kosmic address is centered on resonance with the cognitively unimaginable Absolute state being at once Shiva and Shakti as polar consorts, and Shiva/Shakti as realized, undifferentiated stasis - Tantra. For me, the non-dual is a view of "reality" as it appears before our very eyes. That what we see is the ultimate, the absolute, it is just that the "resplendent truth" of it is partially hidden from us because of egoic distraction. Buddha's great insight, boiled down to concept sans rationalization, explanation, and practice, is that the void, the nothingness, the vastly black and empty turiya state, the end all realization, is what is left of our sense of ourselves as identified with one particular part of the illusion rather than another. Thus liberation, or "moksha," is the total surrender of any partial identification with apparent reality and the utter acceptance of, and abandon to, our birthright identification with the One, the Divine manifestation.

Personally, I would love to see the Buddhist and Hindu lines re-converge. I imagine that many of us feel this way.

State

Shorthand ok? I'm still pretty confused about a lot of things and that suggests that I am probably not stable wherever it is that I "am" on the great coil. I do bridle less these days at the meanness of green and, though teal was my favorite color for many years, I now feel a willingness to seek in indigo what I once found in teal. This suggests a turquoise residence, (maybe not downtown . . . suburban perhaps.) I am growing more comfortable with what seem like new responsibilities and confess to being deeply, achingly aware of how lonely I have been all my life. Imagine that, finally experiencing 2^nd Tier communion here at IIZaadz, and now I get the big ride through the tunnel of lonesome? I suppose I will choose to see this as a good thing because it implies that some of my galactic-class ego might have slipped far enough out of the way to let a little Divine emotional "resplendence" into my life. Fresh horses have arrived and the path, narrower now, seems better-traveled and carefully maintained. I'm gardening more and liking it. My son is living with me and bringing his brand of unconditional love with which he awakened me from my addictive trance nearly 20 years ago. I love what I am doing: this study, contemplation, devotion, and meditation practice. I love to write, and I feel as if I am just getting started - a beginner in your midst, talkative, smart, not so preoccupied with false modesty, but still compelled to share with you the brilliance I see, and bloom in the face of your brilliance as you share it with me. (Brilliance of course being a knowing of what you don't know as well as a knowing of what you do know.)

So, onward!

KUNDALINI SHAKTI

The Doctrine of Vibration, a principal text of Kashmiri Saivism, says that everything is Shakti - every thing is Shakti. Shiva, incomprehensibly, is intention - the pure potential for "thingness" but not a thing in itself. Whatever you or any jackrabbit out there might imagine, is a thing. Thoughts are things. Places out there in the bottomless voids beyond space time and all knowing are things. Rocks are things and the unimaginably small sub-atomic dots and squiggles of nothingness that are the only substance of rocks are things. The myriad dimensions and the wormholes and dark matter and dark energy, and the wave energies permeating this whole mélange are things. Still, Shiva is not a thing, and since this topic, ordained by non other than Julian, Mr. Integral Healin' Walker Himself, to be "Kundalini, Riding the Dragon," well then Kundalini and Dragons its going to be.

First though, we have to establish what difference there is between the two terms, Shakti and Kundalini. There are many ways to describe this difference, but it is important to remember that what is different is the name, not the substance. Every thing is Shakti, remember? Everything. The only change is in its apparent location and/or affect. The "thingness" remains the same - Shakti. The "name" is more of an address or location or relationship than a separate thing.

A classic way to look at this is to imagine yourself standing in a river with a bowl in your hand. Imagine this river of water as pure Shakti, a boundless force pouring day and night across the land. You dip your bowl into the river and as the river flows into the confines or "location" of the bowl, it's new name is "water". It is still pure Shakti, it is just that its location has been now defined by the bowl. As located in the bowl, it is now distinguished from "river" but still contains all the force that it had in the river state. The force of the river has reverted from gross manifestation to the subtle. Actually, the "Shak" part of Shakti means "force."

Many spiritual traditions agree with the concept that "beingness" includes both gross and subtle realities. Shakti constantly arises through its location in the subtle to manifest in the gross. Without much controversy, the consensus among these mostly "eastern" spiritual traditions is that, in the subtle form of the human being, there is a bowl at the base of the spine filled with Shakti. In this location, the Shakti is called Kundalini Shakti, or, just Kundalini.

There is no doubt that this particular topic is one of the most researched and contemplated phenomena in all of human history. I could not possibly add to the scholarship on this subject and, if you haven't already noticed, the Internet is loaded with opinion on every conceivable aspect. As I said before, I am not here to provide a tutorial on Kundalini Shakti. I am, however, pleased to briefly allude to what I have learned about the way that it appears and operates in me.

First, a question and then an image or two: what is the difference between dormant and awakened Kundalini? Well, observing the Kundalini as quiescent water in the location of the pelvic bowl, we might see a faint evaporation manifesting or potentiating out of the subtle. This minimal emanation of Kundalini is necessary to sustain the normal, sleepwalking automaton human lost in its daily grind. This "evaporative" process is another location change as Kundalini Shakti releases or manifests its force potential from the subtle into the gross at the new location. This new location change and behavioral affect is called Prana. Prana is still both Kundalini and Shakti. The importance of this constant reminder to see the Shakti as always the same, ever the same, no matter what its location or affect cannot be overstated and is critical to an eventual appreciation of the non-dual. Prana is highly mobile and moves in patterns and through channels called "Nadis" (another location change) and on to where the patterns and channels weave together in the locations known as the "Chakras." Here, we will stop with the knowledge-based primer on various locations for the Kundalini and move towards the more personal realm through another visualization process. Our object is to awaken the Kundalini while knowing that it is always somewhat restless in its dormant state.

Imagine the gross energetic potential of the human - awesome really. A bazillion gigs of memory up there with terabits of multi-channel ram, plus it doesn't just consume energy, it converts it from air, potato chips, ju ju bees or whatever into highly conditioned electrical energy, glandular hormones and neuro-peptides that instruct and support us sleepwalkers through our "days of the dead." We do not need to know shit to function on the basic animal level of our potential range, to eat, sleep, fuck and work - that can all be done sleepwalking. We can even win the friggin' Olympics on testosterone and determination alone - no Kundalini necessarily required. Still, it is there, a mist on the pool, rising, Nadi'ing into the ignored Chakras, no lights on, but everything more or less oiled and ready to go. Significantly, this system is like a series of jet turbines that have not been fired up yet by their currently unwitting pilot - that's you and I.

WARNING!!!! OVER YOUR HEAD RAPIDS WITH PSYCHOTIC EPISODES, BREAKS AND LETHAL DIMINISHMENTS IN ALTITUDE APPROACHING.

I am not going to be coy here. Toying with Kundalini Shakti, or taking a "more is better" approach to its awakening is dangerous in ways that you might not expect. It is not an accident that "awakening" practices were kept secret for thousands of years. Yes, of course, the first goal of spiritual practice is, after years of study, devotion, service and meditation plus oodles of well-supervised hatha yoga, to receive Shaktipat, or the sponsored awakening of Kundalini in the seeker. That is goal # 1. Careful preparation is required to survive this moment without sustaining possibly serious damage to one or more organs in the subtle or gross body.

RIDING THE DRAGON (or, alternatively, having the dragon ride you)

Kundalini Shakti first came to me in the darkened steerage quarters of a ship on its way from British Columbia to Alaska when I was 24. I had returned to the states a year or so before after serving-my-country (heh heh) as a combat medic in Vietnam. Just days before I left for Alaska, I had encountered a swami from a great distance while exploring a farm on the Washington side of the Columbia River Gorge east of Portland. He was dressed in red robes, was bearded and wore this impossibly orange stocking cap. Our eyes met, I swear, across 400 yds of open fields. That night on the ship in April of 1971, I dreamt of an island shore littered with dead stone monuments to fallen gods. As I wandered between them realizing they held nothing for me, a robed figure in a stocking cap appeared at the other end of the beach and stood there waiting to see what I would do. I turned to the water and approaching its edge, leapt from the beach into the air over the incoming waves. Gaining altitude quickly, I flew widely to the right and as I rose, the realization that I had done what I was there to do manifest in wave after wave of molecular ecstasy. It was like an orgasm having an orgasm having an orgasm. I awoke in the stateroom bunk as if electrocuted by some divine force. My spine was convulsing in ribbons of energy originating way low in the pelvis and blasting upwards through what I now know to be the shushumna or subtle central channel and on through each successive chakra and out the crown of my head like a friggin' roman candle. My head was thrown back and the sounds coming from my throat were not what you might expect from someone in the throes of ecstasy. I have no idea how long it lasted but I do remember coming out of it gradually with sounds like "nnnngggghhhh . . . nnnngggghhhh . . ." and "Jaysus, Jaysus, Jaysus . . . ssssshhhhhiiiiiittttt!"

I had three other dreams over the next 25 years where a similarly impossible situation was solved by a surrendering action. Each time, this surrender precipitated a protracted ecstatic state. Some years after the shipboard event, I dreamt that I was living in an upstairs flat and was awakened to the window as a ball of electrical lightning made its sizzling way along the street below. It paused at my street door, crashed it down and rushed up the staircase to my apartment. Blasting my door down it confronted me in the corner by the window with the most destructive malevolence that I had ever encountered. It hesitated for a second and then, as it rushed towards me I let go of my defensiveness and bid it welcome - again with the protracted, sheet-rending, uber-erotic convulsions.

Another time I was the bell-ringing sacristan in a church with school attached. My quarters were in the bell tower and I came to inherit a small girl baby who I attended with unbroken devotion. One day, a bullied fight broke out in the yard below and I left her sleeping for the first time as I went down to settle the fight. On my way back up the stairs, I could tell that the energy in the tower had changed profoundly. When I got to my room, a sulphurous fume seemed to be rising from the girl's cradle. Peering in, "she" had changed into a "he," a little beast of a fellow who looked remarkably like Chucky, the homicidal doll-boy. Well, as little Chucky wound up to disembowel me with what I knew was going to be one hellacious scream, I reached down there, picked up his woeful ass and clutched him to me like the baby Jesus. Again I was reduced (or elevated) to star- spangled bliss.

The last time this happened, I found myself paralyzed in the foyer of an outwardly non-descript house in SE Portland. I could soon see that this place was the clearing center and primary "surgery" of an illicit organ transplant operation the owner and chief surgeon of which was going blind. Well, lucky me, he wanted my eyes and had me laid out on the operating room table while preparing to take them. "Beautiful" he said, leaning over me with a syringe glinting in his hand. "Hmmm . . ." I thought, not remembering any of my previous escapes from such impossible situations, "what might be my most dignified option here?" In a rush, it came to me that I could simply surrender my eyes willingly to this freak as he would surely take them by force if I didn't. The moment this thought fully formed in my head, the surgeon dropped the syringe, took off his cap and mask and backed away from the table while smiling and saying "Well done, well done, well done." Cue the angels who know just where to tickle.

Having heard that Kundalini Awakening was serious business and suspecting that this series of dreams was such an experience of awakening, I was primed to take my life a bit more seriously. This realization coincided with the birth of my son who quickly required that I decide whether it was to be him or alcohol. I haven't had a drop since the choice became apparent. Today, I count that moment to be my true awakening. It was the unconditional love of an infant for his father, this gift of purest Shakti that initiated my return to humility, sobriety, faith, and self-love.

Since then, I have read extensively on the subject and discussed the content of my dreams with a couple of truly heads-up swamis. One, who was my meditation supervisor while I was TDY in an Indian ashram for several months, said that I was fortunate to have been asleep each time as I was thus prepared to move the extraordinary energies generated through my system without blocking the flow. "Blocking, or resisting in any way will precipitate damage." he told me. "It is very unusual," he went on, "to have such a series of dream encounters with the Shakti." He then asked me about my meditation and hatha yoga experiences over the last couple of years, (the late ‘90's.) At that time, I was married to a fire-breathing accupuncturin' yogini of the Siddha Yoga tradition. Two nights after we met, while sitting on the couch in her meditation center-like home, she showed me a picture of her meditation teacher, Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, third in the Siddha Yoga lineage. It was a small picture and she handed it to me face down. I turned it up to look at it and a shock wave of recognition blasted me back into the couch. I looked at my girlfriend who had big tears springing into her eyes while struggling for something to say. She handed me another picture. I turned it over and stared at the man who I had seen across the fields nearly 30 years earlier, the one who had appeared in my first dream, and Gurumayi's guru, Baba Muktananda, 2^nd in the Siddha Yoga lineage.

A year later after much hatha yoga, chanting, meditation and several multi-day intensives I was in India, at the mother ashram and talking to the fellow who was to ask me about my experiences with Kundalini and the nature of my meditations. In India, I was free to meditate to my heart's content - morning, noon, and night. Anyone familiar with a high-end ashram in India is aware of how "Shakti-fied" such a place can get. Gurudev Siddha Peeth, near Ganeshpuri just north of Mumbai in Maharashtra State is such a place. Here, there are meditation halls and other "places" that are so loaded with the devotions of realized beings that merely being in them is consciousness altering. Inside its walls, the air scintillates with chitishakti. To see it in its wild "chi" form, go outside on a bright day and look into the sky while facing away from the sun. Sunlit grey clouds will provide the best backdrop. Without much effort, while looking into the space between yourself and the clouds, you will see brilliant white, sparklets flashing quickly in and out of view. This is chiti-shakti, Shakti in the "bit" form, the "particle" component of light, manifesting its way out of the subtle into view bringing light, warmth, and vigor to us sleepwalkers.

The principal goal of all spiritual ascension or expansion in the traditional sense (and I stress traditional) is to focus attention on the bindu, or pearl - home of the absolute - and penetrate it to experience the divine state of Siddha Loca - the home of the Saints. Some traditions locate the bindu in the forehead, some in the heart. Siddha Yoga centers the bindu in the heart.

I have never seen the full face of the pearl. I have seen its indigo light blazing from behind a shifting cloudscape that lies between my perspective and the pearl. Significantly however, I have spent much time in the turiya, a state location beyond Siddha Loca. Until I met a particular teacher in India who quizzed me about my experiences with the Shakti and meditation, I had no clue as to what was or was not appropriate in meditation sequencing. He became very quiet when I told him of my history. When I was done, he told me to lay off on the meditation. "Continue to chant, engage in dance, do your seva and study if you choose, but only meditate lightly. The Kundalini is so strong in you that when you get to the turiya state and are essentially defenseless, the Kundalini will actually embrittle your bones and you will burn up from the inside out."

I asked him how this could be and he said, "I have not heard of this kind of expression of the Shakti before. It may be that you are already close to realization if not born realized but something has interfered with your capacity to bear it. That you are capable of obtaining the turiya state without having penetrated the blue pearl is a mystery."

A couple of days later, the SYDA foundation, which runs Siddha Yoga world-wide, asked me to consider staying on at the ashram and take a position in the facilities development office. After agonizing for a week, I declined and prepared to head back to nightmare Amerika, my marriage, child, and business as a materials engineer/entrepreneur.

A few months later, I was working on a ladder 5-6 ft in the air, looked down, and panicked at the height. This was very odd as I have climbed half of the peaks in Oregon and Washington as well as some of the easier routes in Yosemite. I began to lose sleep, my hands, always steady, trembled and I began to avoid my friends, stopped playing golf or going fishing and retreated in my marriage. The change was so striking that I thought I had better get some counseling. I took the standard tests for depression and was told that I was clinical and would I please take this next test for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which I did and was then told that I was off the charts there too. Soon, I was in a 3 month in-patient treatment program for PTSD which helped prepare me for a prostate cancer diagnosis which appeared 6 months later, 3 months of daily radiation, 3 years of "recovery," some kind of strange waist-down neuropathy that has taken over half of my lower body strength and responsiveness, prostate cancer recurrence and recent surgery to deal with it, plus 1 yr of swollen neck lymph nodes, blocked sinuses, and hideously sore throat that was recently diagnosed as non-Hodgkins lymphoma (cancer) of the mantle-cell type.

The doctor who informed me of the recent lymph tissue diagnosis last week, remarked to me that I was oddly "peaceful" about it. To be true, I didn't know what was going on with me at the time. I'd heard what he said and knew that it was "not-good-news," but my body and mind were not reacting that way at all. Neither was I numb. More, I was alive with something, a lightness of being, curiosity arose as to why I was not crushed. I left his office and the hospital in that state and went outside to wait for my cab. I had a bit of a cry out there alone, but it was more of the grief-for-all variety, and again my attention returned to this puzzling state of oddly excited curiosity. All of a sudden, I remembered about my adenoidal bout with the radium-isotopes as a child. As soon as I could get my computer online I went into the database on Mantle cell lymphoma and discovered that it indeed was showing up more frequently in people who had received this long-discredited adenoid treatment than could be accounted for by coincidence.

To put this discovery in context, you have to realize that my steady-state opinion of my overall health for the past few years is that I have been slowly dying in as dignified a manner as possible. The prostate cancer and all of its assorted symptoms and side-effects do not account for much of the overall health "trial" I have "enjoyed" these past 6 years. It is the partial lower body paralysis and intense head and neck constellation that have overwhelmed the prostate scenario since my "visit to the ashram" and my intense encounter with the power of Kundalini operating in the turiya state.

Do you see? Just this week I believe that I now may have the answer to what has bothered me for much of my life. I spoke to my ENT guy about it as we planned the next steps of confirming the diagnosis and designing the treatment plan. He says that there is a good chance that this pirate population of genetically "modified" lymph cells can be wiped out by either chemo or gene therapy. "If so," he says, "you might regain a level of health that you haven't experienced for 20 years or more."

So, if this is true, that the unfolding events of my life have been partially guided by some wild-ass nookuler ‘50's medicine gone mutant, and resurfaced 55 years later as a sequence of trial by fire to arrive at this place where I am sharing with you this preposterous story, then I suppose I owe my parents and the idiots who approved this method some thanks as I love my life today, warts and all, cancer and all, me and all. All you that is, who live on this planet with me, you who have chosen to take responsibility for your lives, chosen to give your time to these pursuits and share your brilliance with your families and other loved ones; you who remember that it is all Shakti, this radium up the nose and the love we feel for one another - all Shakti.

Conclusions:

Why a snake? Why a dragon? Why a salamander or a lizard? How did these images come to represent this Kundalini phenomenon? I cannot answer this question with any authority for the trail grows murky indeed as it winds into the past. One thing is for sure though, snake, salamander, dragon, lizard, they all share the same capacity to writhe and coil.

Anyone who has experienced the Shakti manifesting as Kundalini in themselves or as a bystander when another does, will admit that a good deal of rhythmic, coiling energy seems to play through the body. This rhythmic movement typically happens on a large scale with waves rolling up and down the torso and legs. It also happens on a smaller scale evident in the long muscles of the limbs, and smaller in the fingers, neck muscles, and face. Sheet and ribbon movements of the back, chest, and stomach muscles can also be seen. It seems that all of these larger scale movements are accompanied by finer and finer waves, chattering, tremors and vibrations scaling past the surface and in through the tissues and organs to the very bones themselves.

Whenever confronted by such mystery as the origins of dragon/snake association with Kundalini Shakti, I look to the natural world to see if there are any analogues that might help. Above all, one stands out: the tornado. Most of us know that the tornado is formed under the right atmospheric conditions when there are strong sources of warm/moist air and cool/dry air. As these two discrete air masses "pass by each other" overhead, they intermix and immediately begin to cycle around one another in a dance of physics that is beyond my powers of description, but cycle they do.

Here, we can apply the Yin/Yang symbol as a three-dimensional spiral rather than the customary two-dimensional overview. Imagine that Yin/Yang was the very top of a vortex just starting to rotate and reach downward to the earth. Big blobs of warm moist air begin to cycle around big blobs of cool dry air. Get it? Doing so, these blobs begin to stretch against one another without actually mixing. Energetically, as the big blobs become radically longer and thinner, the surface-to-volume relationship between what was first a fat mass, gets exponentially higher and the interface between the two different "airs" comes alive with the differential in heat energy and here (I contend) the latent power (Shakti) in the moisture of the warm/moist side of the equation is released explosively into the power of a tornado. This is the nature of Kundalini energy when fully released in the body. It is tornadic, cyclonic, twisting and turning exactly like the dragon. I contend the scales of the dragon or snake, which are very important in the depictions, symbolize the fractal quality of the phenomenon occurring massively and minutely in the gross as well as massively and minutely in the subtle.

Additionally, it seems, this visitation by Kundalini can flow both ways: self-originating in the pelvic bowl as an upward-rising vortex the narrow writhing end of which, after penetrating the chakras in succession will exit the body through the crown chakra.

In the other direction, when "visited" by the Kundalini, the process might work in reverse. Here, the vortex is formed from above and the narrow end penetrates the subtle body through the crown Chakra descending through the shushumna to the pelvic bowl. It is thought that Shaktipat, or the sponsored initiation of Awakening may be ignited in this way.

Dear Ones, this is my frontier, this vortex phenomenon and how it seems to be at the dynamic heart of all things, both subtle and gross. Of greatest interest to me is the way that the vortex seems to combine both the Yin and Yang of energy qualities as well as the fecund spiraling coil of the Golden Mean fractal Phi (1.618. . . ) and the organizing Pi (3.1416) intelligence of the confining circle. Think Yin and Yang as galaxies, as wormholes, as relationships, as the tunnel of love, as the madhouse of duality blazing manifestation, and the Divine Union in Tantric stasis.

In closing, I ask for your understanding regarding the disclosure above. It had not been my plan to write about such things and it had not been my plan to discover such things while writing about my bouts with Kundalini. So much for plans.

Yer pal,

Michael

Tags: Kundalini, shakti, shaktipat, gross, subtle, awakening, yin, yang, pi, phi